This past weekend, I put up a meme on my Instagram page. I was just trying to get something up on my page as I’m trying to build a following and try not to miss a day. Sometimes, I share deep and painful thoughts. Sometimes, I just share a joke. My Valentine’s Day share was a joke, but it really took off in the NoFap community. This is ironic because I’ve recently been talking a lot about the NoFap movement and was planning a new post about it.
I’ve covered NoFap several times in the years of running this site. In a nutshell, it’s a de-facto support group, existing almost entirely online, of men (and a few women) dedicated to not looking at pornography, not masturbating, nor reaching orgasm (collectively known as PMO) unless with a committed partner. I’m not going to repeat myself, so if you’d like to see the older pieces you can go to:
If You’re Not Actually Addicted, This May Be The Way
The other day, a lot of people liked a photo I posted on Instagram that was meant as a joke, but I put a #NoFap tag in it. I received five times the likes I ever have and instead of just being dismissive of NoFap as pseudoscience, I decided to read these guys’ stories. The great bulk of them were from India, where things like masturbation and porn have huge stigmas attached. India is actually the second-largest consumer of porn in the world after the U.S. The government there has even tried to outlaw pornographic material. In an age of the Internet, good luck.
When I started to read these guys stories I recognized they don’t reach the level of addiction. Some were certainly bad habits, others may have even been reaching compulsion. Most, however, were simply men who were deeply ashamed of what they were doing. They wanted to find a way to stop behavior that society raised them to believe was wrong.
There are plenty of people in this world who go on diets, and many who succeed. Some even change eating habits for the rest of their lives. But most of these people are not food addicts. Yes, food addicts have to go on a diet, just like people with porn addiction must abstain from viewing material that is sexually unhealthy for them. Going on a diet exclusively is retraining your eating habit, much like NoFap is for sexual behaviors. If it creates better behavior and habits, that’s awesome.
If You Are Actually Addicted, This is Not the Way
The definition of addiction? Go read it here. Or at least that’s my interpretation. Much like I mentioned in the article I referenced above, I have only met a tiny, tiny number of addicts who have succeeded without some form of professional help. When I read “success” stories of NoFap devotees, it’s great for them to talk about how 20 days of no PMO has changed their lives and that “semen retention” is the key to happiness. But then they talk about how they beat the demon of addiction and I shake my head. They don’t realize they never had that demon, just personal pressure to confirm to a societal norm.
Dr. Patrick Carnes proved with his groundbreaking study that over 90% of male sex/porn addicts suffered some form of abuse earlier in life, leading to unresolved trauma. If that trauma is not resolved, nothing really changes even if a guy quits porn cold turkey. Avoiding ejaculating for three weeks will not fix the beatings you took for years as a child. Not looking at porn will not fix the mental scars of your molestation. And turning your back on orgasms isn’t going to wipe the slate clean in your subconscious.
Perhaps this heresy to say, but I think for a certain segment of the population, addiction is romanticized. It’s seen as a self-loathing struggle against demons that somehow makes you a deeper, darker person. A lot of young people, including these so-called “influencers” know they’re not interesting, feel the need for an edgy side and claiming addiction is an easy way. Thank God they are actually ignorant to the realities of addiction. They wouldn’t be able to sell lip gloss with such reckless abandon.
It Always Comes Down to Healthy Sexuality
If PMO activities make you feel like a bad person for engaging, it’s better to not engage. But making that choice doesn’t mean you’re turning your back on addiction any more than going on a diet does. If you need to tell yourself you’re an addict to get over it, I guess that’s fine. But, please, if you’re failing again and again and again using NoFap philosophies, maybe the problem goes deeper. The others who are succeeding? They’re not addicts. You may actually be one.
I can give you 101 reasons why you shouldn’t look at porn, but I’m not going to do that. It’s an individual’s decision to make. My reasons are fairly obvious. I can give you 102 reasons you shouldn’t have intercourse unless it’s with a committed, loving partner, but I’m not going to do that. And I can tell you why excessive masturbation isn’t healthy, but again, it’s the individual’s decision.
Addicted or not, at the end of the day, we should all be striving for healthy sexuality. That means different things to different people. If NoFap is going to get you there, terrific. If you’re an addict, it likely won’t. Define healthy sexuality for yourself and go for it. And don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.
Lead Photo by Zach Vessels on Unsplash
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I like this article Joshua…we need to help people where they are and part of that is recognizing whether its an addiction, compulsion or habit. Great insights!
Thanks Jim. I want people to get better, no just follow a fad.